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Thread: Suicide

  1. #11
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    SBD....PM means private message.

    Believe me, I understand your struggles. My lifestyle has changed dramatically since my rosacea got so bad. I am not the person I once was - the fun part of me has left. I will continue to fight.

    Bless all of you.

    Very interesting story Moonfire.

    Wendy

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by moonfire241 View Post
    On December 21 I reached my breaking point. I was so sensitive to heat that I couldn't go anywhere for Christmas. It would be too hot even if I dragged my fan along. I say in front of that fan 24/7 unless I had an appointment or to take showers or go to the bathroom. My eyes were swollen so much of the time that I couldn't do much to pass my time. I seemed to be getting worse and not better. I had 29 beta blockers left that I had been given when they thought the flushing was high thyroid. After taking one of them I was in the hospital with a slow and irregular heartbeat. I knew that taking the 29 I had left should do me in for sure. In one gulp of water I swallowed all of them, so ready to be done with this disease. I didn't tell anyone what I'd done. As the hours passed I realized that I wasn't going to die. It was like a miracle. My heart never slowed or missed a beat. My stomach never felt upset. Nothing happened. From that day on I believed that I must be here for a reason and everything would be okay. Now I don't use the fan anymore. I have a lot of pain but not so m much heat in my face anymore. Tonight for the first time since October I went out grocery shopping. Its not perfect and maybe will never be but much better than before. The minocycline didn't seem to hardly be working but near three months on it there was a big improvement almost over night. I was always so red like a fire engine. It's died down to a slight pink. Nobody can look at me and see anything wrong if they don't know. I know not everyone believes in miracles but I do. If anyone wasn't going to survive this illness I thought it was me. Every hope I'd gotten of getting better kept being snatched from me. So many disappointments. So much time wasted when I was too miserable to do anything. But now it's time to just look forward. I feel like there must be a reason I'm still here. Hang in there. I believe we are all here for a reason. I won't argue anyone who doesn't believe in that kind of thing. I respect other beliefs too. I have suffered badly with this disease as we all have. I welcome pm's from anyone who wants to talk or be friends. I have rosacea. Rosacea does not have me.
    I could related to a lot of your message. Yes, somebody up there is clearly rooting for you, Moonfire. So glad you're doing better.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by SBD1212 View Post
    Thank you for the posts. And thank you hg24 for looking up those threads. To be honest, the thought of getting some control over my symptoms is the only thing that keeps me going. I have had suicidal thoughts for about 6 months now and to be honest, if it gets much worse, I'm not sure what I'll do. What is killing me now is that the rosacea is spreading to different areas of my face. Papules are erupting and the medication I'm on to help with those only seems to make me flush more. I look at pictures on the internet of how bad rosacea can get and wonder if that will be me soon. Just a few years back I was good looking, adventurous, free spirited and outgoing. I am not happy with the person rosacea has made me. I hate that I have to dodge social events or make excuses to not go hiking or play soccer because of my skin.

    I personally have no qualms with suicide. I think there are too many people on the planet as it is and if life is ****ty and you want out, go for it. I don't believe we are all special or that the world would have any problem continuing in our absence. So with that as my personal belief, its hard to find a good reason to continue if my quality of life is no longer something I find to be acceptable. I won't do anything for the foreseeable future but its hard to believe my life has become what it is now. If I was spared from rosacea, this would likely be the best time of my life. Funny how things work out
    SBD, are you on an antibiotic? Some people flush more from abxs. Have you tried Soolantra? You might ask your doc for that. Go off the abx. And try an OTC anti-inflammatory supplement (niacinamide, quercetin, magnesium, etc) and increase beta carotene in your diet (sweet potatoes [sweet potato fries, yummy!], butternut squash, spinach - Google around and you'll see how beta carotene foods have cleared up skin).

    You just haven't found what works for you yet. But it's out there. The trial and error and need for patience sucks. But you'll get there.

  4. #14
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    Hugs to you all. I do think about it. Pretty much every second I think about suicide. But, I do have kids and a husband. And it would be a very harmful thing for me to do to them. I try to think that maybe somehow I will recover. It's been five months for me. I scheduled therapy. I honestly don't see how it will help. It's just a person that you talk to. I also don't believe in "everything happens for a reason" or anything like that. Life is full of pain, suffering, injustice, sociopaths that harm people. I can't imagine living my life with this condition or scars. I am trying to think healing thoughts. I feel very seperated. Like I already died and I am just trapped watching myself suffer like a dream or a movie.

  5. #15
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    I pretty much have the idea every day, but then I think about how I would do it and basically become a coward thinking about the pain - or failing. This disease sucks, it's changed my entire personality and outlook on life. I can now only think back to my days before it and how I will never be able to do those things I did before - or at least without always having to see my face and how it is reacting.

    Some days I feel I look okay enough to go out, others I want to never leave my apartment. But I have to come to work... it sucks. I always keep my head down and avoid eye contact and that was never me even as little as 8 months ago before all this started in July. I'm not bi-polar but it's like this disease makes you that way. Your mood goes up and down with how you feel your skin looks. Mine isn't getting any better.... but I can't seem to pinpoint specific triggers. I just always have this base-line pinkness across my cheeks and nose but today it's more red right now.

  6. #16
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    I can definitely relate to that. It completely changes our personality and that is difficult to deal with. I was so happy five months ago. Now, sad, afraid to be out of the home by myself, afraid to drive or even take public transit, not living my dancing life, and I am angry with a shorter fuse because of my anger at the dermatologist, galderma (and all the heartless people I spoke to there), health canada, the fda, everyone responsible for this drug being improperly prescribed without informed consent, all the people that are uneducated about science and think crooked pharmaceutical companies actually utilize proper scientific methods, when they are crooked money grubbing companies that think human lives are like the dirt on their shoes.

  7. #17
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    Default There is Nothing Worth Losing Yourself Over

    With great respect to all humanity expressed
    Here : there is nothing worth losing yourself
    Over.

    Your life as you knew it is gone. Your life as
    You make it is beginning.

    It begins when you decide to accept; change
    Your expectations, live differently.

    Maybe you will be ugly. Maybe you will
    Be lonely. Maybe pain will have unbearable
    Moments. Or.

    Maybe you won't be the ugliest or the loneliest
    Or endure terrible pain. Forever.

    How will you know if you allow a disease to
    Take you away?

    Talk to a professional if you need to.
    I have. It helps. And it may help you
    To move on. Life changes. You get
    Older, you become sick with some
    Thing, your children move away, your
    Friends move on or die.

    How you choose to cope with Rosacea is
    Who you will become.

    Please become someone. Not the dream
    Person you thought. Now is the time for
    A new dream. As they say, just do it.

    There is nothing worth losing yourself
    Over.

    Best,
    Birdie

  8. #18
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    Thanks for the words Birdie, but honestly I don't know if they make me feel better or worse. I'm leaning towards the latter. To be totally honest, if my mom and dad weren't still around and I didn't have a brother I probably would've killed myself months ago if I could get over the pain/failing aspect of suicide.

    Oh look I'm 28 in 5 minutes...don't care anymore.

  9. #19
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    I don't want to die. I want to heal and recover my health. I could never do that. And especially not to my husband and kids. But, when the mental darkness takes over me, I don't think like a normal, rational person. It's just such an awful intense darkness, and my anger causes me to want to hurt myself. I have PTSD. This medical injury triggered it worse than it's ever been. But, I scheduled to see a therapist now. When the darkness hits me I envision images and plans of killing myself. But, I am doing everything I can to pull myself out of it. And trying to reach out for help as best as I can. I don't want a fantasy dream life. I just want the life I had five months ago when I was able to cope with my complex post traumatic stress disorder, I was a happy dancer, wife, mother, with friends and a social life, and I could eat food. It wasn't a perfect life. But, it was my life. I had challenges to live with, but I was happy. And I had worked hard for that life and happiness. And it was destroyed by a doctor. Not a drunk driver, not a violent criminal, not a disease beyond my control, not an unhealthy lifestyle. But, a medical doctor.
    Last edited by TinyDancer; 9th February 2016 at 06:45 AM.

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by hg24 View Post
    SBD, are you on an antibiotic? Some people flush more from abxs. Have you tried Soolantra? You might ask your doc for that. Go off the abx. And try an OTC anti-inflammatory supplement (niacinamide, quercetin, magnesium, etc) and increase beta carotene in your diet (sweet potatoes [sweet potato fries, yummy!], butternut squash, spinach - Google around and you'll see how beta carotene foods have cleared up skin).

    You just haven't found what works for you yet. But it's out there. The trial and error and need for patience sucks. But you'll get there.

    Hey hg24. Yes, I've tried just about everything. I look up all the current recommendations and have tried it all. I'm currently on Isotretinoin and have started up propranolol. The isotretinoin makes me flush much worse but the propranolol has proven to reduce the flushing quite a bit. I was on Oracea for some time and it was wonderful for the flushing, but the papules were mounting and I needed to try the last resort medication (isotretinoin). Unfortunately, one can not be on a tetracycline and isotretinoin for the unrealistic fear of the 1:1million chance of intracranial pressure, so I had to give up the oracea for now, which has been painful. Since I've tried all the studied prescription medications, I'm now thinking of trying OTC meds. I bought magnesium and will likely try that out next week. I'll let you know how it goes. I appreciate the help and concern. This group really does offer a form of comfort since we are all in the same boat.

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