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Thread: Rosacea and relationships

  1. #1
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    Default Rosacea and relationships

    I am a 30 yr old women with long term rosacea (subtype 1 and occular) and I also get homonal acne which I control with the oral contraceptive.

    I can do a pretty good job of concealing my skin issues with makeup and ironically I have had a lot of compliments on my skin, but I feel like a fraud because it isn't 'real'.
    Anyway I hate people seeing my naked face, or even my face too close up, and I have found it particularly hard with boyfriends..I feel ugly without makeup on.

    I'm currently single and if I meet someone else I know I will be insecure about my conditions and being seen au naturel..does anyone else have issues in this area and how do you deal with it?

  2. #2
    Moderator phlika29's Avatar
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    Oh yes, this has always been an issue and I am not sure that I can offer any words of comfort, just that you mirror my thoughts on ths subject.

    When my rosacea was a lot worse (and I had alot more dilated veins than I do now) I struggled with this whole-makeup/fake/look bad underneath thing as well. I would do whatever it took to hid my face/skin-get up early/sit a certain way/etc. To be honest though i do feel men maybe notice less and ofcourse when someone likes you they are going to be alot less critical than we are about ourselves.

    Maybe it would help to think of it the other way around. If you liked someone would you care that they had rosacea of some other skin condition. We tend to make such a big deal of it ourselves that sometimes it almost becomes a way of defining ourselves. However the amount of people who when i mention I have rosacea say they had no idea and had never noticed.....

  3. #3
    Moderator Melissa W's Avatar
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    I think we all feel this way to a certain extent at one time or another.

    If you look around though you will see that very few people are "perfect" looking. Sure there are people with gorgeous skin but not that many and anyway when someone likes you for you the skin is not a consideration. I promise you that. When you meet that right guy he will not care if your rosacea is flaring or not. I speak from experience. I have had some pretty severe flares and my husband says I still am beautiful ( and I believe he feels that way) and it doesn't bother him except for the pain I am in from the burning of the flares.

    Beauty is truly from the inside and when you meet the person you are meant to be with he/she will not care how your skin looks. Rosacea can be a great weeder out of undesirables IMO that otherwise might fool us into believing they care about us. That really is a blessing in disguise because don't you want to find someone who will be there through good times and bad? Relationships are all about being there for the other person. A soft pillow to fall on and someone you can share all your innermost thoughts and fears with and who won't run away. Anyone can be there when everything is great and easy. But it takes a special someone who will tough it through with you no matter what. And believe me that guy is a keeper and when you do find that person you will see that rosacea will not affect your relationship.

    Best wishes,
    Melissa

  4. #4
    Senior Member mattdog323's Avatar
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    Default hey

    I have this issue and honestly at the end of the day it comes down to just accepting ur self ,

    And if u try and try and find it hard to do,

    Therapy is a big helping hand,

  5. #5
    Senior Member allibear's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pinkpunk View Post
    II can do a pretty good job of concealing my skin issues with makeup and ironically I have had a lot of compliments on my skin, but I feel like a fraud because it isn't 'real'.
    Dear pinkpunk, why should you feel like a fraud? So many women look completely different with and without their make-up but it is quite a usual thing for woman to wear these days and we get the advantage of getting away with reinventing our looks as we choose both with hairstyle changes using different make up colours for diffrent occasions and with diffrerent clothes etc.

    Just think of all those hollywood stars, professionally 'made-up' and 'touched-up' every ten minutes of the day, have you ever seen the undesired photograph of them caught without their makeup? I remember seeing a close up of Cameron Diaz caught without makeup and my skin at it's worst looked better, (well maybe a wee bit of an exageration) but you see my point? She is allowed to do a cameleon act with make up so why not you, you are just as 'special' as a hollywood star.

    They manage to have relationships and you look at some of the men they dangle off their arms...then I would wonder what half of them would look like without their makeup!

    If changing or hiding the appearence of your skin makes you a fraud then I am the biggest fraudster of all LOL. Even before I had Rosacea I always wore makeup and I can tell you I look completely different striped bare than with it. You see I have no eyes! My eyes only appear on the third coating of mascara and once I strip it off they are gone agian LOL.

    I have had some cruel comments whilst in a relationship about how I looked without make up and that was pre Rosacea explosion and have also had some totally accepting that women cover their flaws and like to enhance their appearance with makup. I remember one guy I went out with many, many years ago used to stand behing me in the mirror while I was doing 'my face' and do his Rolf Harris impersonation whilst doing those whacky paintings that he just seem to make up as he went along, "can ye tell what is yet?" behind my back, but all in good humour

    It all depends on the person and you have to remember if the person can't accept you for who you are then they are not worth wasting your time, energy and affections on anyway.

  6. #6
    Senior Member dave75's Avatar
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    Default relationships and rosacea

    I think it doesn't make much of a difference in a relationship...hopefully for most. I think once a relationship happens, each partner accepts each other for who they are. My problem is actually getting into a relationship...the whole first impression..."oh look its tomato face boy ewww gross" I haven't been in a serious long-term relationship in like 3 years...and back then, I didn't even have rosacea....maybe rosaceans should date each other...imagine all the romantic moments...applying metrocreme on each others faces....couples vbeam treatments...

  7. #7
    Member mattamx's Avatar
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    In a sense, I somewhat "envy" women with rosacea because it is socially acceptable for them to wear makeup -- at least giving them a fighting chance of concealing their rosacea, and thus appearing normal.

    My last girlfriend was a sweetheart in that she rarely mentioned that anything was out of sorts with my face when often it was quite bad. So, yes, I agree with the above poster that it is A LOT easier being into a relatioship if you suffer from rosacea, than it is getting into a relationship when you wear rosacea on your face.

    Dating after 15 years of not dating has been a bitch for me. I'd say about 50% of the time my face looks so bad I don't want to be seen, period. The other 50%, my appearance is from near normal to good enough to be in public. But I never know what it's going to be. And, of course, it can change back and forth a few times in a given evening. So, going on a date is like tossing a coin as far as if I'm going to be presentable. Because of that I generally don't even bother attempting to make a date, which is something I need to get past. It is just so hard to be confident and to contain the fear of what my face might do.

    For all the millions of people that supposedly have rosacea, I sure don't run into very many of them. I started a thread some time back asking what everyone thought about rosaceans wanting to date other rosaceans. I still hope to run into my rosacean soul mate someday.

  8. #8
    Senior Member chenoarae's Avatar
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    Goodness, I seem to see people with rosacea constantly! I think for me it's been like one of those new-car phenomenons: you never notice how many of your car is on the road til after you got it!

    But maybe there is a disproportionately large number of rosaceans in WA state...lol one of my closest girl friends has a mild case (and she's only 22...I thought this thing was supposed to allow you to have decent skin in your 20's at least!), my stepgrandma had it really bad and it went into remission, my ophthamologist has it, lol even the aesthetician I used to go see. I think people don't notice it in others so much because

    A) We are all so darn concerned with our own selves
    and
    B) We generally see people when they are not flaring (or they covered up w/ makeup or whatever)

    As far as relationships - when I was first diagnosed I'd been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. This was when my skin was at its worst, and God bless him - he still maintains that I never really looked that bad! And let me tell you, I did look that bad

    But here's the thing - even then he told me I still looked beautiful, and the biggest relationship problem rosacea had ever caused was because of what I did. I think I asked him just about every day for a month if my skin looked clearer than the day before (I have mostly type 2). Plus every once in awhile I got kinda moody because I thought it was so confusing - I was determined I had an allergy or something, and I just thought it was so unfair.

    Basically I'm saying here that I was the problem - and not my skin, or the way he saw me (which never changed). It was my moodiness, my transient depressions and the way I saw myself that may have ever affected us.

    The bottom line here is that we are mostly all way too hard on ourselves. Most of us believe that when someone looks at us, rosacea is all they see but that is simply not true. I won't deny that people judge your apppearance first and foremost when deciding if they want to come over and hit on you or something (because what else does anyone have to go on?) but even then, I think lots of people would be surprised as to how little strangers really do notice skin tone. I remember, pre-rosacea I never noticed anyone's skin - it was simply never a problem for me, so I never looked at anyone else's skin to judge it (of course now I notice skin constantly - maybe that should be a caution against dating a rosacean! They'll constantly be evaluating your skin!). And I think that my boyfriend thinks I have perfect skin because he doesn't really have skin problems - it just doesn't cross his mind.

    We all have the ability to seriously mind-f*** ourselves over this, I know. I think the biggest shame about rosacea is that it keeps us from doing what we want - but certainly the one thing we should not allow it to keep us from is being open to meeting the right person, and that is all about looking outside one's self and focusing on someone else - if you can do that then at least you won't be stressing yourself into a flush

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    ^ I agree. I know I bring attention to my skin problems and I now notice everyone elses skin 10x more than I used to. My partner is so great. He also claims that he can't see anything wrong with my face and that he loves me regardless of rosacea or acne.

    Now I have to learn to take it easy on myself and not look at my skin with utter hatred.

  10. #10
    Senior Member dave75's Avatar
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    Default rosacea love

    mattamx - i'm with you - if I'm on defcon 9 on the redness scale, it does make it difficult to get motivated to get out there and mingle. In some cases, I think dating another rosacean could be a good thing...at the very least, the worry about what the other person thinks about your appearance is pretty much gone...and a lot of the anxiety would be gone. I think if two people love each other and both happen to have rosacea, then that's just an added perk in a sense because the understanding is there.

    I think chenoarae makes a pretty good point about how we live in our minds a bit too much regarding the rosacea....god knows i'm guilty of that one. It does kind of have a snowball effect...one negative thought grows into a bigger one, etc. I like your saying, "its about looking outside one's self and focusing on someone else" very well put.

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