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Thread: Relationships

  1. #1
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    Default Relationships

    How does your skin condition affect your relationship, if at all? Do you talk to your partner about it? And are they supportive?

    I truly believe that my boyfriend thinks I am beautiful. He always tell me I look pretty, and he claims not to see any flaws I'm talking about... But then I think, well, he only sees me without makeup in certain lights (usually dim! like just before bed or waking up), and all the other times I'm wearing makeup which makes me look flawless.

    I feel a bit like I'm cheating! Sort of conning him that he's going out with someone who's perfect, when I'm far from perfect both physically and in other aspects! Now I know no-one's perfect, but I still feel like this.

    His exes and his friends seem so carefree, like they can go to music festivals and get drunk and sunburned for five days straight and still not look like a burns victim. But if I camped in a field for a week without washing my face, and especially if it was warm and I got burned or overheated... I'd just die! My skin would look awful. I'm less fun and spontaneous. I'm always anxious... will it be too warm? Will this food set me off? Will staying up late give me pimples? Argh! It's just so restricting.
    Anyway, sorry for the rant! Was just wondering how you AND your partners deal with this

  2. #2
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    Heres my 2 cents..

    My fiance and I broke up months ago because I chose to spend the last 2 years spending all my time and money getting IPLs and laser and then sitting around the house with a fan trying not to flush. I was neither spontanous or fun. The result is my rosacea has not gotten any better and my partner is long gone.

    So my opinion is put on your sunscreen and makeup and enjoy yourself!!
    take care,

    John

  3. #3
    Member grumpy's Avatar
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    What's a relationship?

    Lost the love of my life because of rosacea. I simply don't enjoy company when my face looks like ****.

    And where's the fun?

    Can't eat this, can't eat that.
    Wine? No.
    Chocolate? Oh no.
    Pizza, of course not!
    Take a walk? You crazy? It's SUNNY outside.
    It's evening, we are invited. So what, I hate being around people staring at my **** face.
    I'm cold. Oh no, don't turn the heat on.
    Get away from me, I've just put my metrogel on.

    Pathetic.

  4. #4
    Moderator Melissa W's Avatar
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    John,
    So sorry about that.
    Great advice though so thanks for sharing.

    Helena,
    You cannot let rosacea control you and destroy your quality of life.
    While you need to do the best you can at controlling what you can control you must also continue to live and enjoy your life as John so wisely advises.

    There are compromises to be made for sure but please don't compromise to the point of staying home all the time because you are frustrated with your rosacea and how you may look.

    I have posted many times on this so I don't want to repeat myself so I will keep it to the basics.
    1. I have adapted as best I can. I have given up certain things that I don't find affect the quality of my life adversely like alcohol, spicy food, very hot beverages, being outside without sunblock on my face to name a few. No biggie IMO to give those things up. Doesn't affect my quality of life. Just a minor inconvenience that I can live with no problem.

    2. I have not given up things that do affect the quality of my life and may affect my rosacea adversely but these are no question staples I need in my life. To name a few:
    Running, cycling, dancing, being outside enjoying activities, working etc.
    I have adapted these activities to my rosacea needs as best I can. That is, I try and keep cool doing them when I can and control what I can as I am doing them. I have fans at work and when I am on the treadmill running I have the a/c on high and fans on me as well. What I cannot control I just go with as we cannot control everything and just let it go.

    3. Regarding how this affects my husband well in a nutshell it does. However we compromise the best we can and he feels that these are compromises he/we can live with. For example, we always have an alternate plan in case we are in a situation that causes me burning/flushing.

    When we attend a party if it is too warm he will try and make it better for me by asking the host to open the windows, turn on the a/c, lower the fireplace etc. We may go outside for a while to cool off and see if that helps.

    When we go out to eat and the restaurant is too warm he will speak to the manager and try and make it cooler. Sometimes when we make reservations at very fancy restaurants we put this request in before we go.

    When we are invited over to someone's house we make sure that it is known I cannot tolerate warm temps. If we are valued then it is no problem to adjust the temp for my comfort. If not, then that is good to know and we do not need to be their guests. If this seems harsh I don't agree. I would do the same for anybody who was in discomfort/pain if I was the hostess. If someone is too cool they can always wear a sweater. That is an easier issue to deal with as flushing/burning is not so easily remedied.

    And if nothing else works and we are in a situation where my face is burning too much we will leave. Most importantly we are a team and we deal with this together. That is truly the most important fact. If you are a team you are working with each other and not against each other. And my husband always says that what he has given up is not a sacrifice as what he has gained from being with me is far more valuable.

    SO please know you are important enough and deserve that kind of respect from a partner. You deserve nothing less. Your partner should be there for you helping you through this no matter what. As I have said before rosacea is a great weeder out of who is worth you being with and who is not.

    And always remember you should not let rosacea control you but you do your best to control it and not let it take anything else away from you than it already has. Control what you can and let the rest go and enjoy your life no matter what.

    Best wishes,
    Melissa

  5. #5
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    Good to know Missy that you and your husband are the reason the last time my wife and I went out to dinner, we froze our asses off in the restaurant.
    IMO no one wants a partner who constantly points out there own flaws. If you're partner says they don't see them, leave it alone. Don't remind him or her, do you see this pimple, my skin looks like crap, etc.. Maybe they don't see it but if you constantly bring it up, they will begin to.
    I can only relate it to dating a girl once in college that was a tiny bit heavy. I never saw her as such and she was quite lovely but after hearing, "I'm too fat" a thousand times, I finally decided she was right, she was.
    Rob

  6. #6
    Senior Member Jordan's Avatar
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    Cool

    Sigh..


    If not being able to drink alcohol or eat chocolate really makes you feel that badly about life... you really need to gain some perspective. You know I used to be so caught up about my skin... basically my quality of life was directly related to how my skin looked each day. Then I met this girl.. she wasn't perfect.. but no one is. She loved me and told me I was beautiful, no matter what the mirror said. Over time, I lost care and focus about how my skin looked because of her. She took me places, road trips and restaurants and new foods.. places where I couldn't take a shower every day, have a mirror to look in, or always eat perfectly. Honestly, I can't tell you if my skin cleared up, or if I just began to see myself in a new way. It could be either. That girl has gone away now, but I realize now that life is passing; look past your flaws, and live your life! My skin disease seems to be so much better now.. but I learned my mentality and attitude had to better first. I always go to music festivals these days, camping, hiking overnight, whatever... but I don't drink alcohol, eat vegetables, I do drink plenty of water, etc.. and when people ask me why I don't drink or eat junk food... I just say.. "because my skin breaks out really bad when I do." I'm not even saying that my skin looks good when I eat healthy, I am just saying that I think my skin looks better and i realize that my skin is not who I am, it's just that.. my skin. The skin I live in. Sometimes I am so passionate about my life now I look at my red face and just laugh because it's like I have a RED passion for life. I'm so passionate about my life i'm RED. Passionate about love, passionate about learning, passionate about caring, passionate about being compassionate. Whatever. Haha.


    Some quotes from some of my fav. music artists:

    "What's so wrong with being happy? Kudos to those who see through sickness." -Incubus

    "Now that I've got this disease, in a way I'm relieved, because I don't have to stress out like you do. I might just get up and dance, or buy some acid washed pants, when you don't care you've got nothing to lose." - Ben Folds

  7. #7
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    i'm very open about my rosacea. and sometimes if i see people looking at my face with a question mark i just say i have rosacea. and ironicaly i mentioned it to 2 new people in my life over the past couple weeks about it and how i wished my face was clear...i have a handful of p&p's and they said they didn't notice it until i pointed it out. i had foundation on...but i can clearly see the bumps! and i could tell they were telling the truth. and having shared a hotel room with one.. when i washed my face my friend looked like a deer infront of headlights! haha. it's that first 5 minutes man where it gets super red! hey.. i can't really help it you know... as time moves forward i less care about my apperances.

    one of the things that helped me most was when 2 years ago my rosacea turned a gigantic turn for the worse. 2 big red patches and p&p's. make-up didn't do a thing. my face looked so gross. people would stare at me and i hear comments from strangers. anytime someone hitted up on me i thought they must be desperate and i couldn't make eye contact and would just shrival inside. i didn'y know about tetracycline back then..it's what ridded it later on.
    but i flew in a woman i knew on the net for a couple years from another country. it was planned for a year about and my freaking rashes came weeks before she did. we fell inlove and got engaged. my being so insecure it was chaalenging to accept that she really did love me and saw past my face. and she's probably the most beautiful woman in the world. constantly men and women were approaching her. it was a freaking nightmare. all the time it happened. and hey.. she was with me!
    i hated going out and sometimes avoided it. halloween night i made excuses not to go..i was too tired ect. she was pissed off at me. it wasn't until months later i told her that since i wasn't dressing up in a costume i was afraid people might ask why i didn't finish the make-up on my face and what am i suppose to be. we're broken up now for other reasons... but i use to look back and wished i made it the most with her..enjoyed every moment and went out more. i can't bring back the time back then. but my insecurity got the best of me.

    i find the more i talk about it and like having this forum to turn to... i less care and accept myself more. i went from a perfect face to this! it isn't easy.

    on an occasion i might still avoid going out to clubs..depends.

    but if people are going to judge me for my rosacea...hey they are doing me a huge favor!!!!! because i don't like fake people in my life and i refuse them. but anytime someone judges me..they are insecure about something. and i find when i'm insecure about my face i tend to really draw in those people!
    Eat up your spinach, it'll put color in your cheeks.
    But I don't want green cheeks!

  8. #8
    Senior Member Mistica's Avatar
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    When I first developed full blown rosacea, I had to consult an eye specialist as my eyes were quite badly affected. I remember the doc saying to me, "when you get an on going and life controlling disease as you have, you will really find out who your friends are".
    He was right.

    I found out quickly, how self centred many people are. I had gone from being easy going to a person who had needs and it was evident this was going to cause conflicts.
    I had to learn to stand up for myself and fight for my needs. I wanted to get better and if people didn't care about that, well stuff them. With lots of IPL treatment and trigger avoidance, I finally reached remission and it was blissful having quality of life again. I followed a modified lifestyle which kept me healthy and pain free, but after my initial experience with people who were supposed to be friends, I wasn't keen to invest in new friendships. Romance never entered my mind. I couldn't imagine that anyone would be able to fit in with my lifestyle, such as not being able to plan too far ahead, or needing to cancel an outing. Only a few people had really stuck by me.

    When I met my partner, my rosacea was under control. You actually couldn't tell there was anything wrong, barring breakouts, which people thought were acne. My reaction to triggers was far less severe than it had been previously and when I flushed, it was confined to the outer cheeks and of short duration. It wasn't enough to melt off my makeup.
    Like many people B had never heard of rosacea, but was keen to learn about it. I was staying in a medical motel at the time, as I had come back to Brisbane for IPL treatment. The air conditioning was a window box type and it used to blow directly on my face when I was in bed. I found this to be a slight irritation and mentioned it to B. He is a cabinet maker, and does some work at that motel.
    One day I came back to my room after being out and saw B had made a board to go between the bed and the a/c which he had painted like a white picket fence with flowers included. I was so touched.

    After that, he started to make lots of little changes, to make life easier for me. Brisbane is in the sub tropics, so summer is always extremely hot.
    We began to spend time together and even when I had some pretty bad days ( nothing compared to the hell now), he didn't seem bothered by them at all. Nothing was too much trouble. He refused to let me do anything which would result in deterioration. We could work around it.
    I used to stress thinking how it must affect his life, but as Melissa's husband said to her, B felt that what he was gaining brought such sunshine to his life, that the sacrifices which had to be made were nothing.

    When complete hell hit last Xmas, I became debilitated by rosacea. B battles on with me, doing everything he can to help put me in remission again. He looks to the future and if 'intense therapy' is what I require at the moment, then so be it.
    That is what love and support is.

    I know he is a rare find and I am so lucky to have him.
    Those who are struggling with partners/boy/girlfriends who don't have the capacity for empathy may have to concentrate on other things which give them joy, until the right person comes along.
    You don't want to waste your life being made to feel guilty for a medical condition.
    You want someone who is going to help create a life which you can both enjoy
    Last edited by Mistica; 1st September 2008 at 01:35 AM.
    Previous Numerous IPL.
    Supplements: Niacinamide, Vit K2, low D3, Moderate Dose Vit C, Iodine, Taurine, Magnesium. Very low dose B's. Low dose zinc (to correct deficiency).
    Skin Care: No Cleanser, ZZ cream mixed with Niacinamide gel 4% and LMW HA.

    Treating for gut dysbiosis under specialist care. (This is helping).
    Previous GAPS diet. Testing tolerance of resistant starch.
    Fermented Foods. 2 to 3 days per week, Intermittent fasting -16-18 hours.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Erikson's Avatar
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    Puerto Rico
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    Smile

    Wow, Melissa. That let me speechless. I am very happy that you are really a team and help each other. That gives me hope that I will find the same


    Quote Originally Posted by melissawohl View Post
    John,
    So sorry about that.
    Great advice though so thanks for sharing.

    Helena,
    You cannot let rosacea control you and destroy your quality of life.
    While you need to do the best you can at controlling what you can control you must also continue to live and enjoy your life as John so wisely advises.

    There are compromises to be made for sure but please don't compromise to the point of staying home all the time because you are frustrated with your rosacea and how you may look.

    I have posted many times on this so I don't want to repeat myself so I will keep it to the basics.
    1. I have adapted as best I can. I have given up certain things that I don't find affect the quality of my life adversely like alcohol, spicy food, very hot beverages, being outside without sunblock on my face to name a few. No biggie IMO to give those things up. Doesn't affect my quality of life. Just a minor inconvenience that I can live with no problem.

    2. I have not given up things that do affect the quality of my life and may affect my rosacea adversely but these are no question staples I need in my life. To name a few:
    Running, cycling, dancing, being outside enjoying activities, working etc.
    I have adapted these activities to my rosacea needs as best I can. That is, I try and keep cool doing them when I can and control what I can as I am doing them. I have fans at work and when I am on the treadmill running I have the a/c on high and fans on me as well. What I cannot control I just go with as we cannot control everything and just let it go.

    3. Regarding how this affects my husband well in a nutshell it does. However we compromise the best we can and he feels that these are compromises he/we can live with. For example, we always have an alternate plan in case we are in a situation that causes me burning/flushing.

    When we attend a party if it is too warm he will try and make it better for me by asking the host to open the windows, turn on the a/c, lower the fireplace etc. We may go outside for a while to cool off and see if that helps.

    When we go out to eat and the restaurant is too warm he will speak to the manager and try and make it cooler. Sometimes when we make reservations at very fancy restaurants we put this request in before we go.

    When we are invited over to someone's house we make sure that it is known I cannot tolerate warm temps. If we are valued then it is no problem to adjust the temp for my comfort. If not, then that is good to know and we do not need to be their guests. If this seems harsh I don't agree. I would do the same for anybody who was in discomfort/pain if I was the hostess. If someone is too cool they can always wear a sweater. That is an easier issue to deal with as flushing/burning is not so easily remedied.

    And if nothing else works and we are in a situation where my face is burning too much we will leave. Most importantly we are a team and we deal with this together. That is truly the most important fact. If you are a team you are working with each other and not against each other. And my husband always says that what he has given up is not a sacrifice as what he has gained from being with me is far more valuable.

    SO please know you are important enough and deserve that kind of respect from a partner. You deserve nothing less. Your partner should be there for you helping you through this no matter what. As I have said before rosacea is a great weeder out of who is worth you being with and who is not.

    And always remember you should not let rosacea control you but you do your best to control it and not let it take anything else away from you than it already has. Control what you can and let the rest go and enjoy your life no matter what.

    Best wishes,
    Melissa
    31 year old male from Puerto Rico
    Skin type: oily

    Clinique Mild Liquid Soap
    Clinique Instant Mineral Relief Powder
    Clinique Almost Powder Makeup SPF 15
    Metrogel 1%
    DERMAdoctor Acne Control Serum
    DERMAdoctor Born to be Mild for seb derm
    SOLODYN 65mg:
    Supplements
    Digestive Enzymes Veggie caps
    Probiotic 60 Billion
    Zinc
    Selenium
    Dry Vitamin E
    Vitamin D

  10. #10
    Senior Member Erikson's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Puerto Rico
    Posts
    611

    Smile

    That was so romantic! U really put a smile on my face Thanks for sharing!

    Quote Originally Posted by Mistica View Post
    When I first developed full blown rosacea, I had to consult an eye specialist as my eyes were quite badly affected. I remember the doc saying to me, "when you get an on going and life controlling disease as you have, you will really find out who your friends are".
    He was right.

    I found out quickly, how self centred many people are. I had gone from being easy going to a person who had needs and it was evident this was going to cause conflicts.
    I had to learn to stand up for myself and fight for my needs. I wanted to get better and if people didn't care about that, well stuff them. With lots of IPL treatment and trigger avoidance, I finally reached remission and it was blissful having quality of life again. I followed a modified lifestyle which kept me healthy and pain free, but after my initial experience with people who were supposed to be friends, I wasn't keen to invest in new friendships. Romance never entered my mind. I couldn't imagine that anyone would be able to fit in with my lifestyle, such as not being able to plan too far ahead, or needing to cancel an outing. Only a few people had really stuck by me.

    When I met my partner, my rosacea was under control. You actually couldn't tell there was anything wrong, barring breakouts, which people thought were acne. My reaction to triggers was far less severe than it had been previously and when I flushed, it was confined to the outer cheeks and of short duration. It wasn't enough to melt off my makeup.
    Like many people B had never heard of rosacea, but was keen to learn about it. I was staying in a medical motel at the time, as I had come back to Brisbane for IPL treatment. The air conditioning was a window box type and it used to blow directly on my face when I was in bed. I found this to be a slight irritation and mentioned it to B. He is a cabinet maker, and does some work at that motel.
    One day I came back to my room after being out and saw B had made a board to go between the bed and the a/c which he had painted like a white picket fence with flowers included. I was so touched.

    After that, he started to make lots of little changes, to make life easier for me. Brisbane is in the sub tropics, so summer is always extremely hot.
    We began to spend time together and even when I had some pretty bad days ( nothing compared to the hell now), he didn't seem bothered by them at all. Nothing was too much trouble. He refused to let me do anything which would result in deterioration. We could work around it.
    I used to stress thinking how it must affect his life, but as Melissa's husband said to her, B felt that what he was gaining brought such sunshine to his life, that the sacrifices which had to be made were nothing.

    When complete hell hit last Xmas, I became debilitated by rosacea. B battles on with me, doing everything he can to help put me in remission again. He looks to the future and if 'intense therapy' is what I require at the moment, then so be it.
    That is what love and support is.

    I know he is a rare find and I am so lucky to have him.
    Those who are struggling with partners/boy/girlfriends who don't have the capacity for empathy may have to concentrate on other things which give them joy, until the right person comes along.
    You don't want to waste your life being made to feel guilty for a medical condition.
    You want someone who is going to help create a life which you can both enjoy
    31 year old male from Puerto Rico
    Skin type: oily

    Clinique Mild Liquid Soap
    Clinique Instant Mineral Relief Powder
    Clinique Almost Powder Makeup SPF 15
    Metrogel 1%
    DERMAdoctor Acne Control Serum
    DERMAdoctor Born to be Mild for seb derm
    SOLODYN 65mg:
    Supplements
    Digestive Enzymes Veggie caps
    Probiotic 60 Billion
    Zinc
    Selenium
    Dry Vitamin E
    Vitamin D

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